How to Write a Letter to my Birth Child
Whether it’s the first time you are making contact after placing your baby, or a monthly letter you send to your child, you want them to feel how much you love them coming through the pages of any letter you write.
Many birth mothers wonder where to begin or fear their child will see them as a stranger or simply won’t respond. We want to remind you that you already have a connection to your child. Your very genetics connect you not only in looks, but also in personality and traits of yours they carry. Help them see that you are much more alike than different by bringing your interests and personality to life for them as you write.
Start with you
Your child will be just as curious about you as you are them. They will wonder if they share any similar traits with you. Tell them about your favorite foods and places. The hobbies you love and the friends and family you have. Chances are they have already tried to picture you and who you are. Become real to them by including pictures and adding as many details as you can to help them get to know all of you.
Share your journey to adoption with them.
If you feel comfortable with sharing how you were led to the decision of adoption for them, it could answer so many questions they might have. One birth mother wrote this to her child nearly ten years after placing him:
“I looked and looked through so many profiles before I found your parents. It became frustrating and I wanted to give up. That night I started praying to Heavenly Father to send someone. I wanted my boy to have the best life that I couldn’t give him. The next morning, I received a knock at the door from the agency worker who said,” I believe this is what you’ve been waiting for.” That afternoon, I decided to open the profile and my heart skipped a beat. I put my hand on my belly because baby boy must have felt the same feelings. He started to move and kick, responding to the happiness of my heart. I knew they were that couple for my baby boy. A spirit of joy and peace covered my body and I began to praise and give thanks to my Heavenly father for answering my prayers.”
Knowing the reasons why you made your decision and the love and selflessness it was based in will help to heal any doubts they might have.
Ask about them
You likely have many questions of your own that you have wondered about. Don’t be afraid to ask what their interests or hobbies are. Ask about their family and their friends and their favorite things. Use any information they give you in return to continue to build on your relationship and show your interest in their life. Even if they are not ready to reconnect with you at this time, they will always know that door is available to them. We have seen many birth mothers build confidence and a sense of belonging in their children simply by being available.
Share your hopes
The impact of sharing what you hope for your child, whether it is peace, happiness or seeing them lead a successful life–is great enough to replace their confusion with clarity. Knowing they are living the life you imagined for them will not only bring you peace, but also them. We have seen the weight of the world lift off children’s hearts from being grounded in the love and support of both of their mothers.
Besides the life you already gave them, the greatest gift you can give your child is you. Knowing they are loved by you will connect them to their origins and sense of belonging like no one else can do. Be honest with the level of communication or contact you feel comfortable or hope for. You will find that most adoptive families want you to be a part of your child’s life because they know how important that connection to you is. One adoptive mother wrote, “After what my son’s birth mother has given me for the rest of my life, it is a privilege to be able to give time with him back to her.”
Remember that this is not just any child, but your flesh and blood with whom you already share a special connection with. A letter to your birth child is the beginning of a wonderful opportunity to strengthen your relationship with them.