Dear birth mother: A letter from an adoptee
There could be a million reasons why you find yourself reading this, a million reasons why you have found yourself sitting in an office after braving yourself to take the first steps to something that both terrifies you and brings you unexplainable peace, a million reasons that no matter how hard you try to explain it – maybe only you understand. But something that everyone understands is that your most important reason for being right here, right now, is love. Pure and unconditional.
Hey Momma, my name is Taylor, I am 25 years old and I was adopted at birth. I grew up living a fairly normal life, my parents would tell you that I was a silly tomboy toddler who grew into a somewhat sassy teenager who loved to dance, went to college, got a great education, found a great guy, called him mine and had a few awesome babies. While I am not here to give you my personal life story, I am here to talk to you because I want you to hold your belly tight and imagine the words your sweet child will someday speak to you.
I have always said that words wouldn’t ever exist to thank my birth mother (her name is Marcie) enough for the decisions she made for me and that stands true to this day – there doesn’t exist a compilation of words that I could strum up in this letter to accurately share with you what she means to my heart. But what I do want to tell you is that, like you, she loved her baby. She was very young when she conceived me, she had a daughter already and simply was unable to care for another. Knowing that she would be encouraged by those around her to get an abortion she hid her pregnancy until she could decide what to do. Marcie met my mom in her OBGYN office. My mother was in the office for her final visit, where she would tell the doctor that she refused to do any more fertility treatments, that after 7 years of being poked and prodded at she quit. Marcie was in the office for a checkup, admittedly her first and it was well overdue. They may not have known it yet, but they were a match made in heaven. Within a few months they became inseparable, my mother to this day calls Marcie a member of her family, and she will fiercely defend that. And truth be told, Marcie is family, she is a part of my family and my story and because my story and my family wouldn’t have existed without her – you bet she is family.
I have always had an open adoption, and now as an adult, we have adopted a child and have an open adoption with his biological family as well. And while that may not be what you are looking for, openness changed my life. All the questions that I had were answered as a team by my mother and Marcie. I was so secure in my story, so secure in the decisions that had been made for my life because I knew that in any moment of doubt, Marcie was a phone call away to affirm any emotions that I had, and my mother was there to hold me and remind me that this story was uniquely my own and I had power over what I did with it. I also never had a moment in my life where I felt unloved or loved any less than my peers. Why? Because guess how many people loved me? Marcie had carried me, shunned everyone else’s wishes in her life to end my life, birthed me and handed her daughter into the arms of another couple who gave me something she felt she could not.. THAT is love. I also knew I was loved by how much my parents loved my birth family. It was unconditional, through the terribly hard times that came after my birth, the drugs, the relapses, the recovering, you name it, my parents showed up. They loved recklessly with no expectations – and they didn’t have to. They loved her because they loved me. Your child’s parents will look into their child’s eyes and see your features and beam with pride, they will laugh when their child grows and starts to have sassy moments that remind them of your personality, my parents loved every ounce of Marcie (as well as my birth father Pat) because those were the two people who made up exactly who I was. Know that your baby will grow, surrounded by twice as many people in their lives who all fought endlessly for them.
But if there is one fear that birth mothers have shared most with me, it is a fear that their choice will have a lasting impact on their child that they won’t be able to fix. So in regards to that, I would love to share the lasting impact adoption has had on my life:
Life to me has never been ordinary, not because I am different but because I am grateful. I wake up every day in full understanding that Marcie did not have to make this choice, that often times the world makes it much easier to make a different choice that would’ve prevented me from living life at all. Every day my life is a little sweeter because of the reality that I am a freaking MIRACLE who is loved beyond all measure by some pretty amazing people. Because of Marcie, I got to have a first day of school, I had my first crush and also my first heartbreak, I experienced my first dance class, I experienced my first acceptance letter to college, my husband has a wife, but most importantly – because of Marcie I have my children. Without the choices she made I wouldn’t have them, and this world would be a dull place without their bright lights. They matter, therefore I matter, therefore Marcie freaking matters, her choices matter, – your choices matter, you matter, your child matters, and the future you both have ahead of you matters. You are here because of love, and while the choices you are making now may feel like they will be coming to an end soon, I promise you that this is only the beginning. And maybe someday, just like Marcie, you will be sitting at your child graduation, maybe their wedding, or maybe you’ll be sitting in a room holding their children – and you’ll get it, and they will too. Because together you are adoption, and adoption is powerful. Someday your child will be unable to find the words to thank you, because those words don’t exist.
From an adoptee,
You are brave.
You are strong.
You are capable.
Thank you Momma, you are loved.